David D’Mello spent the last 20 years operating a small Feni shop in Candolim Beach in Goa. Today, he is the proud owner of his second branch of the shop - in Dalal Street. “What is simply wonderful is that business in Bombay is outselling my peak season Goa revenues,” he said, “I don’t know how long this boom will last but I hope to have enough to retire by the time the market rises again.” D’Mello spent most of his life avoiding the stock market and is now amused that it’s the same stock market that has caused this unprecedented success. “I used to laugh when my neighbours would be sitting glued to the television watching their money disappear,” he adds, “I think they’re still sitting there while I’m adding to my fortunes.”
For brokers and investors alike, there is a sense of inevitability with this new business rise. A sense of “might as well” sweeps across the crowd immediately after market closing hours as glass upon glass of Feni get downed without a drop being wasted. Snack, cigarette and food sellers too have reported a surprising increase in revenue as Dalal Street is fast turning into Bombay’s newest and first of its kind open-air bar.
]]>“The Statue of Liberty ain’t blind and deaf you know,” Bush said, “she’s bound to know people are up to something if she sees endless thousands of people cheering and waving and celebrating in the street; what the hell am I going to do with the cake, do you want me to eat it all by myself now.” The president has cancelled all his public appearances preferring to sulk in the Oval Office all by himself. He said that he didn’t even to meet his wife and daughter on this historic day. “The number of people around the world who were shocked that I managed to get the country to another birthday would have been so surprised had this party worked,” he said, “and you have ruined everything for me, there’s nothing left to do but retire in November and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.” Bush also said that he wants to see just how the next President manages to plan a surprise party.
American citizens said that had they known of the surprise party, they would definitely have kept the secret. “How can he have a surprise party and not tell anyone that it’s a surprise,” said Billy Bob Newham, “it’s just like him to try and do everything by himself without listening to anyone else.”
]]>“Sure I said I’m fascinated with Indian cinema but I never meant I ever wanted to be in one,” said actor George Clooney, “and I can’t begin to think of what’s going to happen to thousands of talented actors if this deal goes through.” According to Clooney, the fact that the actors act well, select interesting scripts, work hard on producing quality films, they will be out of luck if Ambani controls a major player like DreamWorks. “Suddenly, the hams from New Jersey are going to get picked over me,” said Clooney,”you’re talking about a lot of innocent lives who are going to be affected.” Studio bosses have not yet commented but they did mention that they were ready with the SAG’s earlier demands but the new demand might be a lot tougher to negotiate.
Director Steven Spielberg has remained tight-lipped for the most part but he has hinted on understanding the SAG’s concerns. “The thing is we aren’t to make real actors dress crazy and prance around the screen in humiliating ways,” he says, “hell, that’s why we invented CGI in the first place.” While Spielberg remained tightlipped on exactly how the deal would affect the other studios, he did mention far-reaching changes if the deal were actually to go through. “Of the many changes that he’s got lined up, the one thing that I can’t quite figure is one where every film’s got to start with the letter K - weird!”
]]>“It’s simply a case of pointing out that what he did was wrong and insulting,” said Harsha Bhogle, “as an employee in Pakistan, he should realise that what he did was not just poor manners but also potentially life threatening.” The Pakistan Cricket Board are rumoured to be ready to hand Lawson the pink slip once the tournament is over. The PCB might be lucky if they manage to “hand” him anything once the rebuked journalists answer him in kind. The silver lining though remains the appointment of the new commentators, with a local flair. “I want say you that cricket is sport of and I happy to repent my country to know that final is we good,” said Mahanama, whose thoughts were echoed by Waqar Younis, “Right off the bat, like, I know what good pitch is to talking cricket and happy to find that this better than slog but crisp cricketing shot.”
Geoff Lawson may well have apologised for his remark but he would know that he had better watch his neck, especially if Pakistan is shut out of the tournament. In a show of honesty and integrity, Lawson said that he would try his best to speak English with a local flavour. “I mean who needs articles and pronunciation anyways,” he joked, “incorrect grammar is the mark of the outsourcing industry so I should best play along what?”
]]>Those who opposed the magazine’s claims have rallied behind the British national dish, chicken tikka masala. It was reported that TV channels and radio stations were flooded with angry callers demanding an apology for what they call an insult to their national pride. “If we have one thing to thank the Indians for, it would be the Kohinoor,” said one irate caller, “the second is chicken tikka masala and no amount of boiled beef in mint sauce is going to make me change my mind.” Another caller to complain against the magazine overtly racist implications. “I don’t see a difference between this and the Big Brother controversy,” she said, “other than perhaps, poppadums are lietrally involved in this one maybe.”
The magazine too has been fending off angry callers since the issue first hit the stands. Neil Fowler, editor of the magazine said that the magazine has actually been forced to go into damage control mode right now. “It wasn’t supposed to be a question of eating British food anyway,” he said, “it’s not like shepherd’s pie is any healthier; all we wanted to say was that we all love it and it tastes great but is it really good for you.” Ethnic Indians especially in Bradford and Southall are said to be overwhelmed by the support they are receiving and one wonders how long this would take to turn into a full blown political campaign.
]]>Fisher mentioned the Bombay rejection at the party after the press conference where he announced the Dubai and Moscow projects. “In some ways it does make sense,” said Fisher, “when the entire floor of the building is moving, it gets a little difficult to keep the bathroom facing east and the bedroom facing the north all the time.” Fisher said he was disappointed by the reaction because he had hoped that a city like Bombay would welcome his designs. “It turns out that everyone who buys flats wants to know if flats are constructed like Vaastu; the bathroom must face the front door and a person must face east when taking a dump.” Fisher said that he is not entirely demoralised by the result and said his next project would be a moving skyscraper with movable rooms in them.
It is not certain which builder were approached by Fisher but several leading construction companies said that Fisher was smart to pull out of planning an Indian site for the skyscraper. “Can you imagine the renovation costs,” said a spokesperson for a leading construction firm, “every time the floor turns, people would need to move their bathrooms somewhere else.” In addition, the constant shifting would hamper meals, sleep as well as cooking. But the biggest loss because of the moving skyscraper project falling through is the opportunity to get a panoramic, moving view of the different slums in the city.
]]>“We are looking at the economic aspect of it because economics makes the world go round,” said Chinese President Hu Jintao, “it is because of the tenets and policies of economic theory that China has become what it has become in recent years and we want to carry that endeavour forward and also include our neighbours in the enrichment process.” Jintao said that he is a staunch believer in the process of strikes and protests producing results and quoted several incidents and examples of how India is by far the leader in this regard. “One only needs to consider the events of West Bengal to know that Chinese workers could not hope to achieve the efficiency of Indian workers,” he said, “through this new arrangement, everyone will move forward.”
Jintao brushed away comments that said that this law comes 30 years too late saying that until now Chinese workers have always been happy. “And it is only a coincidence that we are announcing this law weeks before the opening ceremony of the Olympics,” he said. Under the proposed arrangement, Chinese workers would outline their grievances and expectations to protest groups in India who would strike and protest as needed until the claims are met. The cost of the claims would be billed to the company that outsourced the work to China. The protests and strikes would last as long as needed for the proletariat to succeed.
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