Beef Vindaloo

And the stroke of midnight, as the world sleeps, India awakens to another year of Independence. And to ensure that this tradition is maintained for years to come, intrepid patriots scour the land in the early hours of 15th August every year. They reach pre-decided positions and at the precise stroke of 6:50am, they start playing poor quality audio tapes of patriotic songs from the last millenium. Loudly for the next four hours. Thus ensuring that every Indian citizen wakes up to another year of independence and a miserable hangover. This is an interview with Kalpen Surendra, one such enthusiast.

Beef Vindaloo: Why 6:50am?
Kalpen Surendra: That is the precise time that the last British ship left India’s soil.

BF: Why poor quality audio cassetes?
KS: Because CDs and iPods are part of the evil Western culture that are trying to erode our national heritage and we must not support them.

BF: So audio cassettes were invented in India?
KS: Yes. Along with tape players but the Japanese stole our ideas. We think Bose had something to do with it.

BF: The American speaker company?
KS: No the other one.

BF: Are people who want to sleep in on a holiday not patriotic?
KS: No.

BF: In a free country, wouldn’t it be nice for people to be able to comfortably nurse their hangovers?
KS: No. Our freedom fighters and all those who lay down their lives for the country never had an opportunity to drink. They lay down their lives so that we can drink freely so therefore we are not allowed to do so. In fact, liquor is against our heritage.

BF: Are you serious?
KS: Yes. I do not joke. It is against our culture and heritage.

BF: Did you ever consider that people might want to kill you?
KS: I am not afraid of terrorists.

BF: Not terrorists… the people you wake up with the music.
KS: Those people are thankful that they are able to wake up to a spirit of patriotism and they can wake up in time for flag hoisting.

BF: Aren’t flag hoisting ceremonies at 10 or 11am? Why do they have to wake up before 7?
KS: To bathe.

BF: Had it occured to you that some people bathe everyday and therefore don’t need a three hour head-start.
KS: Bathing everday is against our culture. Only these soap and deo companies tell people and they believe it. It is part of the Western influence trying to erode our culture.

BF: Why have you never changed the music?
KS: These are the songs that inspired our freedom fighters and therefore it is the best way to remember their memory.

BF: What do you do the rest of the year?
KS: There are 200 public holidays a year. I am up every day playing a different set of music on each of those days. I am a busy man.

BF: Any final words to our readers.
KS: Yes. Jai Maharashtra!

BF: You mean Jai Hind?
KS. No.

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