Beef Vindaloo

Not that we’re acknowledging either that there is a heaven, but if there was a heaven, in the classical sense, then George Carlin definitely deserves to be there - unlike say, maybe, freedom fighters. The thing about heaven though is that poor George would always have to be wary about what he couldn’t say in front of god. Like ask God when was the last time he got any. I mean, how do you take a guy seriously when the only time he did it was with a woman who swears he didn’t actually, like, touch her, the woman lives with a guy who swears it did happen and is cool with it, and the woman gives birth to a guy who gets his ass whipped by guys in metal skirts.

Or ask him about how he must feel that they guys he’s got in charge of his Earth dealings, wearing funny hats, drive around in one of the airport cleaner thingies and have a soft spot for little boys, in a matter of speaking anyway. And what’s George Carlin going to do if he wants apple pie? Think about it right, the country George comes from - USA - as American as apple pie. People there grow up thinking apple pie is good, he finds out they don’t have apple pie in heaven right. And why not? What happens if you eat apple pie in heaven? Will they let him try and find out? Or dress code - what exactly is the deal with the long, white flowing robes? Do they not have breezes up in heaven? And everybody else I can understand, they’d stand downwind - what about the Scots?!

What about room service? You don’t have waiters and housekeeping in heaven. Or do you? Don’t good people go to heaven? Isn’t heaven your reward for being good and you spend eternity in luxury and happiness? How weird does your life have to be when you get sent to heaven but you have to make someone else’s bed for the rest of eternity. Do feminists go to heaven? Do they have reservation in heaven - as in equal opportunity, affirmative action stuff – do you have to have 30% minorities in heaven? And wait, would George Carlin ever ask god, “What were you thinking when you picked the name? Did you never once check out what it spelled backwards?”

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