Beef Vindaloo

The people of the United States of America have rallied behind presidential candidate Senator Hillary Clinton on the topic of her decision to “wipe out” Iran. In an unprecedented move, the usually divided country came together to denounce the Iranian President’s comments and said that Iran should follow the US’s example when it comes to human rights. All the people polled said that Iran should imitate the US and brutally slay Iraqis, indiscriminately destroy towns and keep POWs in Cuba without trial instead of stoning women, demonstrating outside the US embassy and recruiting suicide bombers.

National daily, USA Today carried out the poll that targeted 15,000 people from across the continental USA. “What them Iranians don’t realise is that the US upholds all virtues of human rights,” one respondent said, “I mean has the US every stoned anybody? No and there is no way that killing Iraqi women and children is the same thing.” Another respondent said that Iran is no better than China. “So China gives an uneducated, illiterate young boy a decent job and money to survive, but do they mercilessly destroy a country unprovoked, they do not!” All 15,000 people polled said that they agreed with Clinton’s assessment saying that they would probably do the same thing. “The best way to teach a person the value of human rights is to begin by ensuring there ain’t no humans left to right,” was how one respondent summed it up.

There has not been a formal reaction from Iran but analysts believe that the reaction would be swift. “We expect between 2-3 suicide bombings in Iraq that would take the lives of some 20-30 US soldiers and other military personnel,” one analyst said, “after which the US would be forced to teach Iraq human rights and increase the number of troops to the point where there are 15 soldiers per square foot of sand.” China has decided to stay out their debate and reliable insiders claim that they plan to increase the amount of lead in the next shipment of Mattel toys.

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