Processions Cause Brain Damage: Report
April 3rd, 2008 Popularity: 12% [?]
(No Ratings Yet)Do Indian processions cause damage rather than celebrate a happy occasion? A recent study conducted by the University of Michigan suggests a direct link between processions and brain cell damage. The report suggests various factors for this but declares that essentially, it is the overall “pointlessness” of any processions that is the root cause. According to the report, one Indian procession happens somewhere in the country every two minutes. That’s a staggering 15 million processions a year. The report says that by the end of the decade alone, more than 10 million Indians would be completely retarded.
“It’s not meant to be a doomsday prediction of any sort,” said Dr. Marvin Monroe, head researcher, “what we want to do is highlight a potential social issue that could end up causing more damage than global warming.” Monroe feels that the situation becomes graver given the fact that Indians control a lot of financial information of many countries and the scenario where all this credit information is in the hands of a million retards would be serious indeed. “Its not like we don’t trust Indians with our credit information,” he said, “it’s just that currently they aren’t really retarded but in another two years, they, well, will be.”
The report suggests ways in which the damage can be controlled without sacrificing any element of the culture. Amongst other suggestions, one would be the one about cutting sound levels. “Loud noises don’t just damage the ear drum, they kill brain cells,” Monroe said, “if people could turn the volume knob to one, it would help them in the long run.” Social analysts in India are positive that the report would be taken in the right spirit. “I don’t think people will necessarily take it as Indian culture makes you retarded,” said commentator Sudip Joshi, “it simply a question of thinking about your future and the country’s future.” For now at least, American credit card holders can rest easy knowing that the person at the other end of the phone isn’t a complete retard.
Popularity: 12% [?]
