Beef Vindaloo

Analysts are hopeful on the eve of Republic Day for the stock exchange to perform better than it has been over the past few weeks. Experts say that while they do believe an upsurge is in the offing, they don’t see any of the big guns causing any of it. The upswing, they say, will be on the back of auxiliary companies in the manufacturing sectors including insulation and ear protection. Analysts say that they expect large amounts of buying of these companies ahead of Republic Day, which is traditionally one of the three or four times a year that these sectors do immensely well.

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If you are one of the many thousands of Indians who are confused with the strange weather patterns over the last few weeks then take heart. In a recent communiqué to 10 Janpath, God has said that the reason that the weather is completely awry in India as well as around the globe is that the globe is shrinking and because of this, India is being affected by the weather of neighbouring continents. The communiqué says that human beings’ desire for a global village and shrinking borders has just come true and that he expects there to be more changes as a result of this action.

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Global security analysts are unanimous in their opinion, “Give India a seat in the United Nations Security Council.” Their reason, the kind of experience India would bring it terms of what never should be done would be immense. Give the fact that the last time any of the current members fought a real war was over half a century ago, India would not only be the only nation that has actually engaged in war since then but they would also be the only nation to have botched things up each time. Experts agree India is the only country that could bring new experience to the UNSC.

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The day of Moharram in Pakistan went off without any hitches. Pakistani authorities in the towns of Karachi and Islamabad confirmed that additional security troops were positioned around the cities because of terror threats. The authorities said that several terrorist groups said that they were planning suicide attacks wherever large crowds would have gathered. While the Pakistani authorities appear relieved, observers of Moharram in Pakistan are said to be upset at the lack of violence. These observers, several of which were observing the custom of Matam or self-inflicted pain said that they were looking forward to suicide attacks as the ultimate way to test their belief.

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United States President George W. Bush has finally admitted that he is been beaten well and proper during his hunt for Osama bin Laden. The American leader said that the last six years has been traumatic to say the least and that he has finally been able to admit that he needs backup. In a statement that continued to shock the gathered journalists, the President announced that the United States would seek help of MI5’s most famous and able problem solver-detective James Bond. In an effort to lighten the tense atmosphere, Bush declared, “Somebody get me Bond, James Bond.”

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Buoyed by the unprecedented media coverage these lawyers received when they filed a lawsuit against tennis star Sania Mirza for allegedly being unpatriotic and disrespectful to the Indian flag, Poonal Chandra Bhandari and Raj Kumar Dubey are planning to file a lawsuit against the heirs of Irish writer Oscar Wilde for comments the author made in his lifetime. The lawyers said that they were offended and the Indian public has to be protected from such comments. Wilde’s statement, “Patriotism is a virtue of the vicious” is being legally challenged and if upheld, the Wilde family could pay damages worth One Lakh Rupees.

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A recent survey conducted by a leading Indian publication has shattered the male belief that groping women is actually a turn on. Contrary to popular belief, groping, a traditional Indian male activity, influenced by Bollywood, was believed to be a form of social interaction between the sexes. For the majority of Indian men, groping women was another ice-breaking activity similar to offering to buy them a drink. Since modern education is shunned by traidtional Indian society, these men receive their education from Bollywood, an industry that glorifies groping, eve-teasing, stalking, unwanted advances and groping. While this is in early days, this survey is expected to turn Indian culture around on its head. Social analysts believe this could potentially be a huge social issue, one that could even drag Indian men into the 20th century for a start.

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