Beef Vindaloo

The Catholic community, known for their legendary expertise in banning, opposing and burning books, have decided to offer alternative reading material to boost their argument calling for the worldwide ban on the Harry Potter books. Timed to coincide with the release of the seventh and final chapter, representatives for the community have said that rather than wasting time reading about magic spells, potions, wizardry and Dark Lords, mankind would be far better served reading interesting tales about a woman who left her husband for a large serpent, a Virgin who got pregnant and her son who thought he was the son of God and declared his love for 12 men.

“What is so exciting about the Harry Potter books anyway,” asks Ruben Christopher, spokesperson for the Vatican, “if it is magic that people want then why waste your time with fantasy when we have true life stories about magic and success of good over evil.” The Vatican is planning to republish several tales from the Bible, rewritten in a style suitable for a modern day audience and sold in a marketing spectacle similar to that of the Potter series. Other tales than the Church plan to re-release for the modern reading audience include tales of mass murder set in mysterious African lands and of old men who seeks advice from burning flora.

“The Harry Potter books are nothing but texts declaring love and understanding for the devil,” said Christopher, “it is only fair for us therefore to present the public with better reading texts and then they can see for themselves, which one makes for better reading.” Christopher believes that once the Catholic tales have been rewritten and presented in a more modern fashion, children around the world would stop caring about a teenage wizard.

The Vatican, directed by Pope Benedict XVI, has declared that everyone who do not agree with the Church’s directive would be doomed to a life of misery. They believe that children who want their teenage wizard hero to save the world from a power hungry evil wizard who does not believe in a way of life other than his own are never going to appreciate the work of Christ and have therefore lost their souls forever.

The first edition of the re-released Catholic tales will be released a day before the final book goes on sale. The Church are planning to spend almost 15 million dollars around the world in a last minute marketing blitz. But the majority in the publishing world believe that nothing short of an act of God will stop the Potter juggernaut.

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