Beef Vindaloo

Following up on the Richard Gere-Shilpa Shetty controversy, Poonal Chandra Bhandari, the Rajasthan lawyer who made international headlines because his modesty was outraged by Gere kissing the Indian actor, is all set to hit the news all over again. This time round, going at the source of all the problems namely the scourge of Western culture in India, embodied in vile red meat that goes by the name of mutton and the evil cola drink that uses the moniker Pepsi. Bhandari has filed public interest litigations against the two offenders in the Jaipur High Court late last week.

“It is high time that the common man takes a stand against the injustice that we are seeing against our time honoured culture,” Bhandari said, “there is a reason that Indian culture does not promote meat eating and that is because India was the last country in the world to accept fridges and the reason for that is that a refrigerator would help keep meat fresh. And since meat comes from cows, i.e. our mothers, we must not eat them.” Bhandari said that the reason that he is against suing beef is because beef comes from a cow, his mother, and he can not sue his mother, therefore he is forced to sue mutton. Sources say that the last comment has not gone down well with women’s rights groups across the country.

“Mutton represents the hamburger culture that is alien to us,” he said, “there is no point suing McDonalds or Burger King. We have to strike at the heart of the problem.” Bhandari believes that by bringing mutton to court, Indian culture would be saved the shame of being sold out to the evil ways of the West. “The evil Western culture drink Pepsi,” he said, “Indian culture says we are not to consume anything other than Gangajal. Where has this Pepsi come from and prevented us from drinking from Ma Ganga, our mother.” Women’s rights groups are not sure how to interpret this comment.

The judicial bench at the Rajasthan courts have not yet commented on whether this case has any merit but local political groups have apparently decided to take up arms in support of this renegade defender of Indian morals. Humara Hindu Sangh, a Jaipur-based right-wing group staged protests in front of stray goats during the weekend. Local police had to lathi charge the protestors after some of them turned violent and began attacking stray goats. But Bhandari believes that it will take a lot more than brute force to stop his campaign to save Indian culture. “After I succeed in this case, I will go after denim, shower gel and cologne, all scourges of the decadent West that has no place in decent Indian society.”

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