Beef Vindaloo

It has been less than a week since the international football community was shocked at superstar David Beckham’s decision to leave Real Madrid. The announcement became even more shocking when Beckham announced that he was leaving Europe to join the US club LA Galaxy for a ludicrously large sum of $250 million for five years. As the football world came to terms with what some are calling the “mother of all sell-outs,” Beckham made the announcement that he is strongly considering entering Hollywood as a producer. His first film would mark the debut as an actress of his wife, Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham.

“It makes sense to me really,” said Beckham at a packed press conference, “if I am going to be at the centre of the one of the largest film producing centres in the world, I may as well take advantage of it.” Reporters fell over themselves to try and squeeze out more information of what is definitely going to be one of the stupidest films of the new millennium and what will surely be a front-runner for every Razzie category the year it is released but Beckham remained tight-lipped. “Of course we are in the early stages of the project,” he said, “and I assure you that you will be amongst the first to know every detail as it falls into place.” Beckham quickly walked out of the room before the gathered reporters were able to embarrass him about his retarded business decision.

Hollywood analysts though are sceptical. Noted film critic Roger Ebert gave Beckham’s decision “15 enthusiastic thumbs down.” Ebert believes that “while Beckham may have the money for it, it would take a shit load of money and many thousands of crossed fingers for any movie starring Victoria Beckham to do even moderately decently.” For Posh Spice, who had made her acting ambitions clear many months ago, this may be her only way to get on the silver screen given the fact that even underworld-funded Bollywood film producers laughed at the idea of casting her in a film. All of Hollywood’s top directors too are echoing the sentiment. “The animated orcs in Lord of the Rings have got to be more expressive and better at acting than Victoria,” said director Peter Jackson.

But for Beckham, this may well be his only way to spend all the extra money that he has accumulated. After exotic holidays, buying 10 mansions in 10 of the most beautiful places in the world, 28 cars, one of the Palm islands and securing the future of the next three generations of Beckhams, there is no other avenue left for him to spend his money. With no ambitions to become a space tourist or finance a revolution in Sierra Leone, producing a movie is definitely a relaxing and comfortable way to burn your millions. And with Posh Spice, with an expressive range and acting prowess of a table lamp, Beckham could relax in his $45 million pool and watch his money get flushed away.

Socialites and tabloid reporters who had reported rumours of a crumbling Beckham marriage now have to mince their words. “Now that is true love my friend,” said Tom Gervais, chief editor of The Sun, “I mean what says ‘I love you’ better than making a $50 million film starring your wife and profiting a grand zero from it?” Victoria Beckham has yet to make any comments post this announcement, something the global press corps is thankful for. As further details on this dramatic event unfold, the only thing one can do now is hope and pray that all the Beckham kids die early because that is the only way they can save themselves from becoming adults that are so completely twisted they would make Paris Hilton look like the head of Missionaries of Charity.

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