Beef Vindaloo

Mumbai has been declared a “Great City To Live In” after a survey conducted by the Economist on 15 international cities. Conducted by the London based Economist group, the cities were graded along 15 options that ranged from basic infrastructure and urban planning to how easy is it for a south Indian computer engineer with thick glasses and coconut oily hair to get laid.

Mumbai citizens are obviously ecstatic with this result and political parties are already using this survey to their advantage ahead of the polls later this year. Maharashtra State deputy Chief Minister, R. R. Patil declared this, “A victory of the Nationalist Congress Party’s efforts to modernise and rejuvenate the city.” In a hurriedly organised press conference, the NCP golden boy announced that this survey justifies all the moves that he has taken for the city. “It is not easy to make decisions when everyone in the city is waiting for the results to be disaster. This survey is a welcome pat on my back.” Asked whether the results could be misleading since the foreign surveyors weren’t likely to have stayed more than a week in a ridiculously fancy hotel and probably didn’t get the chance to see the real Mumbai, he replied, “The Economist is a well known institution and we must respect their methods. I am not aware of the details of how they studied Mumbai but I trust the Economist completely.” Asked whether he could spell Economist, he waved the question dismissively saying he could not waste time on “trivialities.” Asked whether he could spell “trivialities,” he declared the press conference over. Asked if he could spell “conference” and he threw a hissy fit and left the room.

And of course, there are those who do think the survey methods are flawed. Ganesh Punnathogopalanakesaramy, Lead Programmer from Infosys, Mumbai did not believe it is that easy to get laid in Mumbai. “Last week, my friends sent me a call girl for me to be with, given the fact that it was my birthday and she actually offered to pay me double of what I offered to her for me to not touch her at all and in fact not even breathe in her general direction for the rest of my life and she left.” Punnathogopalanakesaramy assured us that he has been with girls before, real ones, and with those who haven’t taken money for it. Not too much in any case.

For better or for worse, the verdict is clear. There is no better place the Economist would rather be in than Mumbai. Interestingly, the other cities surveyed in this study were Kabul, Accra, Peshawar, Mogadishu, Asmara, Ulaan Baator, Patna, Sinuiju, Azerbaijan, Kinshasa, Abeokuta, Tashkent, Ashgabat and Chisinau.

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